Apology

There comes a time when we must face that our time has come. At 58 I have no marriage, no country, no health, and no career. My beloved wife died on the 31st of July, in what has been the worst year I could ever imagine. She died at home with me, which was where she wanted to be, and I will always be grateful that's where she wanted to be.

Goodbye my love, I'm coming.

When I was 10 years old and America was being shredded by the war in Vietnam I knew that our disregard for life, human and otherwise, had to change. So in my young and flailing way I set out like Don Quixote, to challenge those values. My failure therefore was predictable. Had it been only a material failure, I would have been all right with that, but there have been so many failures, on so many levels.

My life has been a bit like a movie I saw once (or actually saw once twice in a row, a mistake I assure you!) with Bill Murray called Groundhog Day. I, like the central character in the movie felt just as painfully aware of the outcome at the beginning as at the end of the day, yet was unable to change anything! It's been like watching a slow motion train wreck.

I’m done here. My wife's death shattered my spiritual dreams in this life, and this election my earthly dreams, while I've watched my family of origin and my wife's family of origin tear themselves apart, through nothing but base impulses, bad character, and lack of introspection.

I’ve seen human nature clearly now. Half of humanity, beset by demons, are viciously determined to tear down any progress the other half can make. That is true on the level of nations, communities and families. Those of us who try to create a better world must watch these fear-frozen millions, frothing at the mouth with racism, hatred, envy, greed, lechery, suppressed violence and God knows what, to destroy any good we might accrue to humanity through centuries of self-sacrifice. They long for a return to the dark ages and the ethics of the abattoir, where their souls are at home.

If that is not a joke of cosmic proportions, I don’t know what conceivably could be! So I’m done here.

To all the beautiful people - those who go on trying (you know who you are!) - I would say I’m sorry but of course you don’t need me. We go on as long as we can because that’s how we’re made. The good cannot live without hope any more than the evil can live without tearing it down. That is the tragic nature of the world.

May you all go on as long as there is room for you to have your own, hopeful life!

Goodbye to the good people, to my friends! You know who you are!

Brent Hightower